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Jokes Light Bulb jokes


This List was taken out of a posting in eunet.jokes (it's not the full list) posted by: brian6@vaxb.mdx.ac.uk
He says the whole list can be found in URL:http://www.misty.com/laughweb/canonical.lists , but I couldn't connect. If you are a real fan, you could give it a try...
Have fun :-)
I tried to find some general headlines for similar jokes, so you can directily jump to the ones you want to read. I hope it helps...

US Presidents and elections

Q:  How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:__None,_if_he_wants_to_sit_in_the_dark,_it's_his_business.
A:  None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in 
    the dark.

Q:  How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, they all just quit and go home!

Q:  How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a
    light bulb in the White House?
A:  Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.

Q:  How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
    one to obscure the issues.
A:  None -- He'll only promise "change."
A:  He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets 
    congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames 
    republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
            
Q:  How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs,
    so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
    need a Constitutional ammendment.
A:  Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
    screwing one extra lightbulb.

Q:  How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Less and less all the time.

Q:  How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential 
    candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?

Q:  How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A:  220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
    actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates 
    can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other 
    candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find 
    out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, 
    pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

Q:  How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
    screw in a lightbulb ?
A:  (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has
    made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we
    have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept.
    of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or
    business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
A:  (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light
    bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove
    the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and
    help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
    What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
A:  (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it 
    only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South 
    Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see 
    how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
A:  (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious
    attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent
    it, and the American people resent it.
A:  (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth 
    solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on  Super Tuesday. At 
    least I hope not.
A:  (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing 
    my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's 
    all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for
    this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in
    the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
A:  (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution
    at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even 
    the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the
    American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even
    paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra
    light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes,
    from the lighthouse to the White House.

Q:  How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A:  None, they only screw the poor

Q:  How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
    change a lightbulb ?
A:  (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't
    have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
A:  (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have 
    always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of 
    the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need 
    changing.
A:  (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
A:  (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let 
    those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair 
    in the dark].
A:  (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
A:  (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. 
    I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing 
    alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.


The next three jokes are about the candidates who are running for a seat in
the Senate for Virgina.

Q:  How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Hell, how can he? He sold all the lightbulbs to Iran.

Q:  How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb
(Note: Douglas Wilder decided not to run, but then redecided to run
for a seat in the Senate. Repeat cycle over.)

Q:  How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his
    lightbulb to Iran.

Q:  How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

Q:  How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

Q:  How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

Q:  How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to 
    screw in a light bulb?
A:  15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone 
    hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense 
    examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it
    proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the 
    bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the 
    room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one 
    to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.

Q:  How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A:  None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q:  How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  What light bulb?
    Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
A:  Just one - Nancy.
    Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto
    ascent to power in 1987

Q:  How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial 
    ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the 
    Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one 
    to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning
    out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
    the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old
    colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the 
    cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the 
    next generation.


General politics

Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb." Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold. Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's a military secret. Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please. Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, that's the proletariat's work! A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective. Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement. A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb.... A: Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet. A: Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up. A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up. A: None, we contract out for things like that. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself. Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb? A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb! Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that believes in violent revolution. Attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a student activist at Harvard. (And in a similar vein...) Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ? (Cue typical sarcastic angry Alexei Sayle voice) A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!! Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them. (Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do for theirself.) Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them. Or, none of them. Or several." (BTW, I prefer "theirself" to any other construction.) Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel. Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there. Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!" Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"

Ethnic

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work. Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat. Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry. (Well, it was funny enough to have made it onto TV...) Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it. Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once. Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.) Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, but don't expect results. (They're supposed to be useless...(but we're Europeans, so none of that!)) Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they like Danzig in the dark. Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: As many as will fit in the El Camino. (Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was popular with Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of people into their cars when they go low-riding.) Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport. Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck. Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in. A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter. Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb. Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it. Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness. Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.

Burocracy

Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder. Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater on the knee. Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32....... Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW? A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH? Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room. Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better. Q: How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What do you think? (Theatre humour) Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles. Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so... Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but they're really three. Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs. (Yes, anal-retentive really does have a hyphen.) Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too. Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger." Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been *this* big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely enough! Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is. Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate. Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..." Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..." A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though. Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb. Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative. Q: How many "Changing lightbulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured that out yet. Q: How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone. Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up. Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...) Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill. Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate ! Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody. Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof. Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two thirds. (Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing limbs, etc. Thus, a mutant is often only "2/3 of a person") Or, perhaps it's "Got three hands, only needs two for the job ?" Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye. Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager. Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from. A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him. Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings. Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he uses a chainsaw. Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better. Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building. A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb. Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week! Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb? Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent. Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it? Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them. Q: How many cover artists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light fixture? Q: How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!! Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author. Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right? Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart. A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice. Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a light bulb? A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate. A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington? Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what? Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough. Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and... Q: How many tight gits does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours. Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...) A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs. (Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of burned-out light bulbs?) Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs. A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones. Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb? A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket. Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb ?? A: Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?! (Notes : Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters over Iraq.) Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping..... Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore. Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia. Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century. Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction. A: Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes. A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media. Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!! Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb? A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights. (and in a similar vein...) Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in. Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO! Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place. (Notes: Is/was this topical to one particular event, or does it just reflect American frustration with the Arab way of doing things and the peace process in general ?) Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first. Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job. Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.) Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it. Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless. Q: How many antibiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it. (This one came to me in a dream, and somehow I remembered it upon waking.) Q: How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of the effects on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who sat around in the dark. Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either. Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

Computer and Programmer

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards. A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again. A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working. A: The change is 90% complete. A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months? A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know. A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,... A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb. A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature." A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as "None. It's a hardware problem.") A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late. Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs. Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem. A: None: "We'll fix it in software." Q: How long will it take? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs? A: They replace your fuse box. Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question. Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See also the "Orange Book"] Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we just find them. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path. Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once. Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Read the man page! Q: How many UNIX system vendors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. All of the lightbulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....) Q: How many software vendors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC. A: "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb version 6.1..." Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: "We'll document it in the manual." Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, they forgot to declare it first Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb? A: 24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries... Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1.00000000001 Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10 Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in THEIR socket. Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: False. Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out.... [Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED: A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))... ] Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ? A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE) Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many? A: It depends : - If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him. A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW. A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us. A: Please let us know! A: That depends; what color is the bulb? A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier! A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb. A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem... A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn't tip over. A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf. A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands! A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the) output. A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long. (Notes: I presume the above refers to some programming language called SAS ?) Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that. (Notes : I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure that is included as a part of the language. You don't have to write code ("hack") to do it.) Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: "The user can work it out." A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user. Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..." A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology. Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch? Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb? A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted. Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on. Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? *Blush* Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first. Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra. Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder.... A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people. (Notes : This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under certain circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.) Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer. Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard. A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one. A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method. A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon. A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light. A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution. A: Did you try rebooting with extensions off ? (Notes : On the Macintosh, certain types of crashes can sometimes be attributed to not-quite-compatible extensions. One way to find out if one of the extensions is at fault in a crash is to reboot with extensions off and see if it crashes again.) Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". (Notes : This is one of the most impressively durable LBJs. It occurs, virtually letter-for-letter identical, in lists whose contents are otherwise wildly different.) Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb? A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt. Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known. Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts. Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway. Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature. A: One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started. A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take .... A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine. Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message. A: At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !" Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard. Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it. Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle... Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user. Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb? A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself. Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . . Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb? A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight. Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup. A: Farm. (Notes: refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques) Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.

Newsgroups

Q: How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if that's really THE Terry Or colette or both, and then to realise that the speed of light can't be measured, except in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the hedgehog song... Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded. A: Two-fifty. A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records. A: One, who'll do it for food. A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the light bulb went. A: Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually pretty negligible). A: Furrfu ! (Notes : - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded in Rot-13 (a simple but commonly-used cipher that helps protect the unwary against unwanted exposure to sexual, vulgar, or other offensive language). Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it, and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR. Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke? A: 622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great new joke that noone else had ever thought of. Q: How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb? swimming A: None, fish are through the of my conciousness, and edges I dark. like the Q: How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. But he's gotta cross-post it ALL OVER THE GODDAM PLACE. Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb? A: Six. One to point out the spelling error ^^ you illiterate idiot!, one to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!, one to flame the flamer, one to ask to be removed from the news group, one to ask for a copy of the last message :-) , and one to ask how to unROT the joke. A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d. (Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite active, though - BRIAN.) Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs. Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ... Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour. Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to 100. A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d. A: 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in. A: An infinitely growing number : - One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post in saying "Our news software hasn't been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?", one to post in quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I don't get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ?", one to post in after two months "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ?", one to repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get it. What's the punchline ?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these ? I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes", and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?" and accompanied by all of our old favourites like "How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.", three to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months. Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy had gone to the hardware store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and there he stood, silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any lightbulbs but wait'll you get a load of my hardware", he said as he started unzipping his pants... Q: How many alt.pagan.* group readers does it take to change a lightbulb A: None. Torches are more traditional. A: 23. One to change the bulb and 22 to argue how their family tradition regarding lightbulbs is more justified and ancient than anyone else's.
Q: How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb? A: None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb... Q: How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change a light bulb? A: juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs NuclEAR WArHead!! Q: How many Nitpicks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just let someone else change it, then they point out all the mistakes the bulb-changer made! Q: How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, because The KILLOR killed him! (Note : The last 3 all refer to personalities in the rec.humor group.) Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? A: Ten. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list and nine to say "ME TOO!" (Notes: If you don't beleive me, see the alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels, alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex newsgroups and you will see threads up to 10 "ME TOO!"s long consisting of all AOL'ers requesting to be put on non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing lists.) Q: How many VEGAN-L subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb ? (With apologies because of some overlapping with the rec.humor answer) A: Most of them. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the list, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have herbal remedies for it nowadays", one to post "And homeopathic ones too, I read somewhere", one to post in saying he accidentally deleted the original lightbulb joke and could someone please post it again or email it to him, one to post in quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, one to post "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about then ?", one to post "I dunno, it sounds like some kind of food", one to post "In that case, has anyone got a recipe for one then ?", one to post in requesting Michael Traub look up and tell us all its B12 content, one to post "Will it help cure my auntie's arthritis ?", one to assert that it probably won't, but its effectiveness at this might well be increased by accompanying it with some shiatsu and meditation, two to condemn that as too unscientific, one to ask whether lightbulbs are totally vegan, one to post "Read the FAQ", one assert that they are and add "I like lightbulbs. They're low in fat, and stay crunchy in soya milk too !", one to announce that she's leaving the list unless the discussion gets a bit more meaningful, three to post in reassuring her that eventually it will, Lissa Mosley to post that the list moderators feel they must respectfully request that the discussion be moved to private email as it has been going on far too long, one to agree with this and add "So what has all this got to do with ethical veg*nism anyway ?" and suggest the discussion be moved to alt.fan.lightbulbs , and one to post in quoting this suggestion and add "What's that ?". So the discussion moves to usenet, as our intrepid vegan-l subscribers venture beyond the boundaries of email, and alt.fan.lightbulbs finds itself taking a few days off from the "My incredible light" and "Lightbulb death" discussions and come up with some new jokes... Q: How many uk.singles readers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Most of them. One female to notice that it had gone out and post something about how lightbulbs are so masculine to the group, two to post in disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to post "Bog off stumpy!", a whole terminal room in Keele to sit there discussing it only among themselves, one to post a coherent critique of Susan Macran's last post, Kate Smith to complain that the women always get flamed more than the men, Menya to say that lightbulbs are sexy as long as they're orange and could someone bring her a nice hot one, and two people to post in suggesting a boink so they can all get together and change the lightbulb, with real friendship and good lighting not relationships uppermost in their minds. During all this time, not one person dares risk losing points by posting a personals ad. Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. The sockets all went with the house. Q: How many w***ers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: They can't. They just move it backwards and forwards, faster and faster, until it fuses. Q: How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off that noone ever has enough time to get anything done ! Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke? A: 300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death. Q: How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke? A: Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns? (Notes : This joke was created after the creator saw the movie 2010.) Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke? A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem." Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke? A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke. A: One. Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ? Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A: ---- You should have hit "n!" Note: The second answer refers to the way of skipping an article in an electronic news reading program. Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place. Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus. Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb. Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead. Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs. Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job. Q: How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window. (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's a fish !") Q: How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: surrealist. Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel. (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?) Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb. Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). Q: How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. "And that's magic !" Q: How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb? A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like. Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? A: Both of them. Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. (Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly nonexistent). Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ? Q: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb! A: Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it. (thus combining the themes of elephant jokes and lightbulb jokes...) (any improvements on these answers will be gratefully received...) Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in. A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take? (Notes : Refers to the previous answer.) Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None: they do it in the fruit. (Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who eat, mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.) Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None. They screw in hotel rooms. Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs. Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da! Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb. Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured. A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity. A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them? Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions. Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards. A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer. A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs. A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in. Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it... Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one. Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how. Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup. Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration. A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic. Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong. Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment." A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the lightbulb." Q: How many Jocks (disk jockeys) does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. That's a tech job. [that joke is a *lot* funnier if you know a little bit about the wonderful world of commercial radio. Suffice it to say that it is a highly unionized environment, and there is always a little friendly (?) bickering between the technicians and the jocks. :-)] Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes. Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that." A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket. Tourist: Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a lightbulb ? Welsh Choir: No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony...

Music

Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better. Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it. Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for _you_ dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section.) Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it." Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect YOU to understand. Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air. Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how good the old one was. Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was. Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do. Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times. Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb. Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they don't get up that high. Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it. A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one. Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it. Q: How many members of Marillion does it take to change a light-bulb?" A: Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish (as in the ubiquitous surrealists joke,) but in fact the answer was only 2, but first they had to figure out how Genesis would have done it. Apparently this would be hilarious to fans of these groups, who believe Marillion to be Genesis copycats. Q: How many members of Take That does it take to change a lightbulb? A: They can't sing, they can't dance so what makes you think they can change a lightbulb? Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it. Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings. Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done that !" A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently. Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight. A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand. A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway. A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light. A: None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it." A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want. A: "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... " A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better. A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg. A: Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it." (With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.) Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. A: One, but only after asking "Why?" A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). A: None. They have a machine that does that now. A: 10. One to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham (or Steve Gadd) would have done it ! A: One .. Two, and a-one two three four Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified. A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it. A: It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it again anyway after everybody else is done. A: They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs. Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and the other to play harp. A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb, and four to play sad, blue songs about the old, wornout lightbulb. Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting stuck... Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind. Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored. Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !" Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. A: Four. "Why four?" I just recon it to be about four, pal. A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first. (Notes: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys etc.) Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two ! A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job." A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light. (Deadhead = Fan of The Grateful Dead.) Q: How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb? A: 10,001..... One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out one!! (Comment from me - Nice one !) Q: How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny. (Explanation : Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles)) commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead--it just smells funny.")
Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed lightbulb in its mouth. Q: How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb. (Notes : Could someone please tell me if this is referring to anything...) Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway. Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulb's name. Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. And optionally, we may add one fraternity to start the "wet T-shirt" contest! A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. (Notes: sorority is the female version of brotherhood. And the joke is that during sorority rush, the sisters all greet their new would-be pledges by standing out on the house steps and singing. You have to have been an American undergraduate to really appreciate that one.) Q: How many frat (fat will do) guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit. A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. (Commentary from an American on the last two : - "Frat" is short for "fraternity." In college, many undergraduate males join a fraternity; girls join sororities. There are many reasons for this, the most common being the "better" social life associated with the Greek system in general. (The Greek system encompasses both fraternities and sororities.) "Frat guys" are stereotypically viewed as being stupid, sexist, party animals. "Sorority chicks" are seen as materialistic and promiscuous dim-wits. There are a lot of other sterotypes for both. I hope that this clears up any confusion.) Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.) A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective. A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct. Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they have council fires instead. (Commentary from an American : "Native Americans" here doesn't refer to just any native American, it refers to American Indians. No, not people from India who live in America, but the modern descendants of the aboriginal peoples of the American continents. With me so far? A "council fire" is a social event for these people, or for Boy Scouts, that is modeled after a practice that may or may not have been common among certain tribes of the American Northeast. As to why someone thinks this is a joke, I just don't know.) Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops ! I mean, er, the lightbulb. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. A: How long have you been having this phantasy ? A: How many do *you* think it takes? Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way. Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It depends on what you want them to change it into. Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb? A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place. Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on the new one. (But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons ?) Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something. A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to buy the new one. A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years. A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organising each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal. Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements. Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions. Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance. Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts. Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum. (with eternal thanks to David Cutmore for this timeless classic.) Q: How many dinosaurs does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos they have to evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it in. :) Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source. Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a lightbulb ? (cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...) A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying yourselves..... A: None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't be bothered to do a simple thing like change a lightbulb for them, and after all they've done for you... A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back. Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady. Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place. Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.

Students and University

Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home. Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed. A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new lightbulb - (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in... and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work... Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they have their parents do it for them. Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother? Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets. Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report. Q: How many law students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the rulebook gets defenestrated !" and the other to complain about the hipopotamonstrosesqi (can't remember the end of this word) end of his friend's last remark. Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. That's a second year subject. Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach. Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right. Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do. Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. A: It all depends on the size of the grant. A: Two and a professor to take credit. A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day. A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question. Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen. A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study. A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. (Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely competitive.) Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar. Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They are far too busy hacking. Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is. Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s... A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework. A: One if at home, but on school time, four. A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces. Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible urge to change it! Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore. A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house. Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station. Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. That's what research students are for. A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a new one. Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong. A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men. A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him. Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!" A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead. A: Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk about the shade ! A: Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache. Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Sixty-nine. A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it. A: Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist. Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. "Who needs lights ?" A: None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing. Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb? A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb. Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb? A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy. Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job." A: None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the socket. A: Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in. Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!??? A: 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how oppressed the socket is. A: How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to outlaw crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a representative of mainstream feminism. A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock. A: 11. One to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!!!! And 10 to form a survivors of darkness support group! A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the offense committed by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb. A: Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a third of the way in. A: None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing. A: Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works. A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels. A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any man who tries to interfere. A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications. A: "Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB" A: 50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the LB be changed! A: That depends. If there is money in it, it takes 10 women-only-government- contractors working 2 years at a salary of $50,000 per year. Otherwise, it's traditionally expected for the man to do it. A: Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to research how the white male patriarchy conspires to keep women and minorities in the dark. A: Two. One to threaten that as a mother, she will be unable to provide her children light without federal assistance; and a N.O.W. attorney to ask the Justice Department to sue GE for allowing the bulb to go out in the first place. A: Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women and minorities will suffer more than anyone else because it's dark. A: None. Women have a supreme court, constitionally protected right to work in the dark if they choose to. A: It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the net that a woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be banned by the FCC. A: One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a minority or woman contractor. A: 30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting Newt Gingrich cutting off funds for the Federal Light Bulb Changing Agency... A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual harrassment lawsuit on behalf of the bulb. A: Two. One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to screw it in. Another to file harassment charges against the men possibly looking at her in the dark. A: Feminists don't screw at all. That's what sperm banks are for! A: If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up to the government or the father to support any children resulting from such a sexual act. She will also require free day care for the light bulb children and federal funding for studies of how light-bulb children should be treated under affirmative action hiring quotas. A: Unknown. But the federal government's welfare reform will limit the number of free light bulbs a woman can receive to under 2 years supply. A: One. But if she was a WHITE MALE (like Donald Trump), she would be able to replace the light bulb much easier. A: One. And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother Earth and use a fluorescent lamp designed to last 3 times longer and protect the environment... But if a man isn't paying for it, then she will use the cheapest one. A: Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job. A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!! A: One! And it's not funny! (stamping foot) Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny! (Notes: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that used to be where women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has earned a reputation for militant feminism as it has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists' supposed failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.) Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. Q: Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark? A: He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask. Q: How many George Smillivitches does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, becouse tough girls aren't afraid of the dark. Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it, and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first. A: One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs. A: None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. A: Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag about the screwing part. A: One -- men will screw anything. Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark. A: None. They have the girls do it. Q: How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby. A: None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there is no such thing as a genuine new man, and in any event, the media, who like telling us what we all like, have declared that women don't really go for new men anyway, but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays. Q: How many new romantics does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing concept, man !" Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They don't turn up for anything any more. (A little bit of bitterness there from Brian.) A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around discussing what they all want to do next. (Notes : VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody ever puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do anything.) Q: How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going "Hmmm well I don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of course I woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else..." A: Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic auras.(and optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal of the light.) A: Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology. A: Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in the future. Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 2. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!" Q: How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks. Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it. (Notes: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.) Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn. Q: How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits to being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. Instead, they tend to say things like "Well I'm not a racist, BUT ....." Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a lightbulb out over here." Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh] Q: How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic. (Notes : Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke refers to the many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the United States.) Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they have a service come in and do that. Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the Sixties. Q: How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None of your f***ing business and have a nice day. Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!" A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact. A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience. (I also heard this joke told about new-agers.) (This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work.) Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with. A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question. In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Weiner, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986 Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are NOT NORMAL. A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder. A: One -- plus or minus three (small sample size). (Notes: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the lightbulb is negatively or positively screwed.) Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician. (Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...) (Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I changed it.) Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' damn business! A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers. A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it. A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity. Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies. Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour. Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality." Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it. Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast. Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block. Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already. Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway. Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. A: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself. Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.) Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it. A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb. Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb? A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is. A: If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet. A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves. A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting. Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials. Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb. Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. (Notes: Valley Girls is a term used to describe a category of young females from certain parts of California who are noted among other things for using vast quantities of previously non-existent slang.) Q: How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they only screw in Cortinas. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!! Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash. Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That depends on whether it has health insurance. A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later. A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in. Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant. A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now. Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later. Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Only one, but it takes nine visits. Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it. (I made this one up, based on my own experience of NHS injury fixing.) Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room. Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it. Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
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gf 8.Feb.95