A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
TRAVELLER IN THE FAR EAST TRIES ORDERING BREAKFAST Note: this story is about how two people using the English language build up a fine example of miscommunication. Read it aloud to yourself, pronounce it just the way this text is written. Room Service: "Morny, ruin sorbees" Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room service." RS: "Rye..ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen? G: "Uh..yes, i'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den" G: "What?" RS: "Ow July den?..pry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please" RS: "Ow July dee baychem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July san tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes?" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means" RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine, yes, an English muffin will be fine" RS: "We bother?" G: "No, just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side" RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes, coffee please, and thats's all." RS: "One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye?" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G: "You're welcome."
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Room service Translation (RST): "Morning, room service" Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" RST: "Right! Room service! Do you wish to order something?" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" RST: "How would you like them?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" RST: "How would you like them? Fried? Boiled? Poached?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" RST: "How would you like the bacon? Crisp?" [=kross] G: "Crisp will be fine." RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" RST: "OK. And some toast?" G: "What?" RS:"San tos. July San tos?" RST: "Some toast. Would you like some toast?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" RST: "No? You don?t want toast?" G:"I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother? RST: "Toast! Toast! Why do you don?t want toast [!!] ? How about an English Muffin with butter?" G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Okay, fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" RST: "With Butter?" G: "No, just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" RST: "What?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" RST: "Coffee?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" RST: "Coffee? Tea? Milk?" G: "Oh,yes.. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy ... rye?" RST: "One minute. That's room twenty-three, scrambled eggs, crisp bacon, toast and english muffin with butter on the side, and coffee. Right?" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" RST: "Thank you very much" G : "You're welcome"
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony
was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of
The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Anthony."
"Good morning father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Father Murphy, what is this?" Anthony asked.
"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
Lets face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don‘t fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn‘t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn‘t the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn‘t a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this poem It ends.
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young
man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me ... at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"
"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until All Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where
they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked
why she was there, she replied: "I`d like to have some birth-control
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said: "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded: "They help me sleep."
The doctor thought some more and continued: "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said: "I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night!"
John Paul II in an interview:
"I went to America. They asked me: Why do You come to America?
I said: I come to America to polish my English.
So they said to me: Your English is polish enough!"
Jake the inventor is struggling through the air terminal with two huge
and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and ask
"Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "Its a quarter to six" he says.
Hay, that's a pretty fancy watch" exclames the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. I've been working on it for months - Check this out" - and he shows him the time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "the time is eleven till six" in a Cape Cod accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Spanish then Japanese. Jake continues "Ive also put in regiona accents for each city". The dislplay is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "Thats not all" says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. " The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning" explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the dispaly changes to show eastern New York State. "I want to buy this watch" Says the stranger.
"Oh,no, its not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs." "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can mesure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout, and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recording of up to 300 standard-sized books. "though I only have 32 of my most favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have that watch" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; its not ready"
"I'll give you $1,000 for it".
"Oh, no, I've already spent more that than--"
"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"
"But its just not-"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook' Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hay, wait a minute", calls Jake to the stranger, who turns around warily. Jakes points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to werstle through the terminal.
"Don't forget your hard drive and batteries".
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and then you all share the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government does nothing.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that, it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like .... these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The
townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow
from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.
So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by
Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the
President's (Clinton's) place, would he resign, responded:
"If I were in the President's place, I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damned thing?"
Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas
So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...
The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response... The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"
At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing.
So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...
The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"
The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy whose penis hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!"
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants
walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother:
"What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says:
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismout. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses including the following: 1. Buy a stronger whip. 2. Change riders. 3. Say things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse". 4. Appoint a committee to study the horse. 5. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Rewrite the standards for dead horse performance. 7. Appoint a "tiger team" to revive the dead horse. 8. Create a training session to increase riding ability. 9. Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that "this horse is not dead". 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harness several dead horses together to increase speed and pulling power. 13. Declare that "no horse is too dead to beat". 14. Provide additional incentive funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a CA study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a software product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is "better, faster, and cheaper" dead. 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent value. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. 22. Shorten the track. 23. Establish benchmarks for industry dead-horse leaders. 24. Gather other dead animals and announce a diversity program. 25. Put together a spiffy PowerPoint presentation to get planners to double the dead-horse R&D budget. 26. Get the horse a web site.
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon
arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application.
The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist
trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".
"Doesn't matter", the tourist answers.
!!! You have to read this out loud. !!! A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review..... Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome"
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name
tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the
penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they
decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'
Flabergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'
The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands'
One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'
The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'
The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"? He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
Tower: "Say fuelstate."
Tower: "Say again."
Tower: "Arghl, give me your fuel!"
Pilot: "Sorry, need it by myself..."
Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
"What's the purpose of the propeller?"
"To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!"
If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a
priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick
and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading --- a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong --- how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it"
Pilot: (...) Tower, call me a fuel truck. Tower: Roger, you are a fuel truck.
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before? "Yes", I was a salesman in the country", said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up". The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?". "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??. "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser" The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No" answered the salesman. He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Sounds like the weekend's a loss, you may as well go fishing".
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
The evolution of education: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $100. Production costs used 4/5 of the sales price. What was his profit? Traditional teaching in the 70ís: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $100. Production costs used 4/5 of sales price, that is, $80. How much was his profit? Modern teaching in the 70ís: A farmer exchanges a set "P" of potatoes for a set "M" of money. The order of the set "M" is 100 and each element is worth $1. Make a draw of 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C" of the production costs has 20 dots less than the set "M", so answer now the next question: What is the order of the set "B" of profits? (draw its elements in red). New teaching system of the 80ís: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $100. Since the production costs were $80, the profit was $20. Now, underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your class neighbor. Reformed system of the 80ís A privileged Kapitalist steels injustly $20 over a beg of patatous analize the text and find out gramatik. ortografy and ponctuation erros and say something about dis process of getting reach. Computer Aided Instruction in the 90ís: A sells engineer of an agriculture facility consults the Agro-BBS which he accesses through a PS/2 running OS/2 (50Mb hard disk, 4Mb 80 ns RAM, 25 MHz 80386) to find out the current dayís price of potatoes. He introduces the value in his spreadsheet program, analyses linear regression tendencies in his FARMMANAGER expert system, and after seeing the results in his new VGA-compatible multisync monitor, and saving the results in the disk (not forgetting to back up the data) he outputs the result to a color laser printer (using Post Script). Make a drawing with your mouse of the 3-D integrated contour of a bag of potatoes. Next, log into the Agro-BBS and follow the instructions of the menu. Teaching in 2000: Whatís a farmer?
God brings Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates into his office and says "Men, I've decided to bring the world to an end this Thursday -- I want you to go back and tell your people." Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right -- there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday." Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and says "Brave comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday." Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and more good news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important in the world and I was one of them. The other good news that that OS/2 stops shipping Thursday.
Winter in Bonn. Kohl is walking through the snow-covered garden of the chancellor-office. Suddenly he sees that somebody has peed the word "Birne" into the snow. (Birne=pear is Kohl's mockery name in Germany). Kohl is very angry of course. He gives the order to the BKA (Germany's FBI) to find out who did it. Days, weeks and months are passing and nothing happens. Then Kohl phones to the BKA to ask what is going on. The officer there answers:"Well, we do have some problems. The result of the examination of the urine was that Klaus Kinkel did it. But the graphologists found out that the hand writing was without any doubt from your wife."
Question to Radio Jerewan: Is it really true that the Czechs asked our honorable Army to help them? Radio Jerewan answers: In pinciple yes. The asked for help in 1939, and in 1968 we were finally able to send them a positive answer.
Question to Radio Jerewan: Is it true that ghosts of the dead appear quite often in the older parts of the Kremlin? Radio Jerewan answers: In principle yes. Stalin visited quite often recently.
A man goes to a phsychiatrist because of his total obsession with sex. The phychiatrist sits him down and starts showing him pictures of ink blots. Every time the man sees an ink blot picture, he tells the phsychiatrist that he can see a naked woman. "This is incredible," says the phychiatrist. "Whatever test I give you, you see a naked woman. You really do have a problem." "I have a problem?" replies the man. "Your the one showing me all the dirty pictures!".
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16. Good chocolate is easy to find. 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good
Q:WHY WAS JESUS CHRIST NOT BORN IN IRELAND? A:They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q:How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A:One.... But the light bulb must really want to change!
Q:How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A:None..... They just declare darkness the industry standard!
Q:How many Intel engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A:0.9999989989976!
Q:How many Blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A:Ten.... One to actually change the bulb and the other nine to sing about how good the old one was!
Two hunters are hunting deer in the Western USA. They spot some deer on a farmer's land and they decide to go ask the farmer if he will let them hunt on his land. Only one of the guys goes to ask. He says, "Sir, we noticed you got some deer on your land and we wondered if you would allow us to hunt them?" The farmer says, "Sure, no problem. But on one condition. I got this old horse that's real sick and just about ready to die. I'd appreciate one of you fella's shootin him for me. I just can't bring myself to do it." The hunter says that it won't be a problem. On the way back to the pickup he thinks to himself, "I'm gonna screw around with my buddy." He walks up to the pickup and says, "That SOB won't let us hunt his land. You know what, I'm gonna shoot his horse." At this point, the first hunter pulls out his gun and shoots the farmer's horse. The second guy, so caught up in the emotion says, "Yeah, that SOB!" and he starts shooting the farmer's cows.
An american farmer is on a holiday to europe and he's bragging to another hotel guest, also a farmer, about his property. He's got more cattle, a bigger ranch, a bigger house, but he only seems to bore the other farmer. Finally, he really tries to impress him by saying: "When I take my car and drive all around my ranch, it takes me a whole week!", to which te other one replies: "Yes, I had a car like that once."
Two racehorses were sitting in a bar one day reminiscing over their past triumphs. Both had been very successful but had recently lost form. "I was OK until three weeks ago", said the white horse, "I was ahead of the field in the last race at Kempton Park, leading by six lengths as we came into the final straight, and then I got this incredible searing pain all the way down my back and I stumbled and fell. Ever since then I havn't been able to run at all." "It's funny you should say that", said the black horse, "because I was running in the last race at Haydock Park two weeks ago, and the same thing happened to me. I was ahead of the field by five lengths, and as we rounded the final bend I suddenly felt this intense stabbing pain all the way down my back, and I stumbled and fell. I havn't been able to run since then either". "Excuse me", said a greyhound who was sitting at the bar beside the white horse. "I couldn't help but overhear what you have been talking about. I was running in the last race at Deptford last week, leading by four lengths, and as we came into the final straight I got an intense pain down my back and I stumbled and fell. I have hardly been able to walk since then." "Cor! Blimey!", said the white horse, "It's absolutley incredible. Who would have believed it? A *talking* dog!"
The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition 1) Once you have their money , never give it back . 2) You can ' t cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try . 3) You can always buy back a lost reputation . 4) Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough . 5) If you can ' t break a contract , bend it . 6) Never let family stand in the way of opportunity . 7) Always keep your ears open . 8) Keep count of your change . 9) Instinct plus opportunity equals profit . 10) A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one . 11) Latinum isn ' t the only thing that shines . 12) Anything worth selling is worth selling twice . 13) Anything worth doing is worth doing for money . 14) Anything stolen is pure profit . 15) Acting stupid is often smart . 16) A deal is a deal . 17) A bargain usually isn ' t . 18) Beware of relatives bearing gifts . 19) Don ' t lie too soon after a promotion . 20) When the customer is sweating , turn up the heat . 21) Never place friendship before profit . 22) Wise men can hear profit in the wind . 23) Never take the last coin , but be sure to get all the rest. 24) Never ask when you can take . 25) Fear makes a good business partner . 26) The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth ; they stole it . 27) The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down . 28) Morality is always defined by those in power . 29) When someone says " It ' s not the money , " they ' re lying . 30) Talk is cheap ; synthehol costs money . 31) Never make fun of a Ferengi ' s mother . 32) Be careful what you sell . It may do exactly what the customer expects . 33) It never hurts to suck up to the boss . 34) Compassion is no substitute for profit . 35) You could afford your ship without your government -- if it weren't for your government. 36) Too many Ferengi can ' t laugh at themselves anymore . 41) Money talks , but having lots of it gets more attention . 43) Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon . 47) Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own . 48) The bigger the smile , the sharper the knife . 57) Good customers are a rare as latinum --treasure them . 58) Friendship is seldom cheap . 59) Free advice is seldom cheap . 60) Never use credit where your words will do . 61) Never buy what can be stolen . 62) The riskier the road , the higher the profit . 70) Get the money first , then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise. 76) Every once in a while , declare peace . It confuses the hell out of your enemies . 101) Never do something you can make someone do for you . 103) Sleep can interfere with opportunity . 109) Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack . 111) Never sleep with the boss ' wife unless you pay him first . 112) Never sleep with the boss ' sister . 119) Buy , sell , or get out of the way . 123) A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer . 139) Wives serve ; brothers inherit . 172) If you can sell it , don ' t hesitate to steal it . 194) It ' s always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door . 214) Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach . 284) Rules are always subject to interpretation . 285) Rules are always subject to change .
A blonde is in her car, driving around the countryside, when she passes a field. She looks out, and sees another blonde in a rowboat in the middle of the field, rowing away. The first blonde pulls her car over and runs to the edge of the field, and yells out to the second blonde, "Hey you! It's stupid chicks like you that give us blondes a bad name! And if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
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What do you call an Irish seven course meal? A potato and a six-pack.
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
This one relies on accents so you will have to read it aloud There is an Unemployed Irishman and an Upper class Englishman (to get his accent try speaking through your nose) The Irishman is going from door to door in a posh neighbourhood I: Excuse me sir but could you spare me the price of a cup of tea? E: I am sorry my man but I don't belive in free handouts. However I tell you what if you paint the porch for me I'll give you five pounds The Irishman agrees and the Englishman gives him a pot of green paint E: I'll be round the back if you need me A while later the Irish man goes to find the Englishman having finished the job E:(As he hands over the 5 pounds) I trust you made a good job of it I: Sure I did, just one thing it wasn't a Porsch it was a Rolls
There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"
A bus full of old Irish men and women was driving on a highway in Germany. Suddenly there was a panel with a big arrow and the word "AUSFAHRT". Fifty kilometers away there was another panel with the same arrow and the word "AUSFAHRT". Fifty kilometers away there was another panel, the same one; and one of the old travellers touched the elbow of his neighboor and said "Well, it's must be a big town !"
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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
Three Jews were sitting on the beach in Miami. One of them said, "Oy, gevalt! I was almost wiped out in mein business in Brooklyn, but I had a fire and insurance took care of everything." "Funny you should mention that," said the second Jew. "I too was beink almost bankrupted by mein business in Flatbush, but I had a big burglary and the insurance took care of everything." "Funny you should mention that," said the third Jew. "I as well was beink complete viped out in mein business in Crown Heights, but I had a big flood and the insurance took care of everything." The other two Jews stared at him with interest. "So," said the first one after a while, "How do you arrange for a flood?"
Q:"What is the Jewish Mother's position regarding when a fetus becomes a human being?" A:"When it graduates medical school".
A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know. A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" "Three times." "Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" "Three times." Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box." Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?" The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy." So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?" "I cheated on my husband." "How many times?" The woman said, "Twice." Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today.
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The Pope's Visit to the United States When the Pope got off the plane, there was a beautiful limo there waiting for him. His holiness went over to the limo driver and told him that he had never driven a limo before, and he wanted to try it. The limo driver said OK.... (of course!) The pope went driving around the city, and drove the wrong way down a one-way street. Two cops in a cruiser stopped the limo, and the first cop went up to talk to the driver, and the second stayed in the car. Soon the first cop came back, looking a little pale. "I can't give this guy a ticket", said the first cop. "Why not? He drove the wrong way down a one-way street!", replied the second cop. "Yes, but this guy's important!", responded cop1 "Well, is he more important than the mayor?", asked cop2. "Oh yeah, he's more important than the mayor.", said cop1. "Is he more important than the governor?", asked cop2. "Yeah, he's more important than the governor.", replied cop1. "Well, is he more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!?!", asked cop2. "Oh yeah, he's much more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!", replied cop1. Rather annoyed, cop2 asks, "Who the heck IS this guy that's more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!?!" To this, cop1 replied, "Well, the POPE is driving, YOU figure out who's in the BACK SEAT!!!!!
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. ........."It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!
Pope Pius dies. He comes to heavens gate and knocks. St. Peter opens. Peter: Hello Sir, what can I do for you? Pius: I am Pope Pius, I want to get admitted! Peter: Hmmm, Pius, hmm, sorry, never heard of this name Sir. (looking in his book) I don't have you in my book either. Pius: But I am Pope Pius! I have to get in! Peter: Hmm, lets see what I can do for you (thinking) We might ring Jesus, he knows a lot. (taking up the phone and dialing) *ring* Hi Junior, here is Peter, entrance gate, I have a little problem down here. A "Pope Pius", ever heard of this name? No? Well, thanks anyway, bye. (to Pius) Well, you heard it Sir, he doesn't know you either. Pius: But I AM the POPE, Pope Pius, and I have to get in! Peter: Well, lets see, hmmm, we might ring God, he really knows a lot. (smile) (takeing up the phone again and dialing) *ring* Hi Boss, Peter here, I have a small problem here, ever heard of someone calling himself Pope Pius? ... Oh, I see, thanks anyway ... By the way, how is Mary? ... Really? ... Well thanks again, bye. (to Pius) Well, Sir, he doesn't know you either, but we have got a last chance. We might ring the Holy Ghost, he REALLY knows a lot. (takeing up the phone again and dialing) *ring* Hi Smokey! Here is Peter from entrance gate, haveing a little problem with someone calling himself Pius, Pope Pius... Holy Ghost:(from the receiver) PIUS?! Did you say Pius, this motherfucking bloody bastard who said such dirty things about Mary and me?
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